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From Missteps to Twelve Steps

Following one man’s irreverent quest for interdependence

Thursday, August 29, 2024

Interdependence describes how people or groups rely on each other for support, cooperation, or resources. For example, in a family, members may depend on each other emotionally and practically.

Codependence is a behavioral condition where individuals excessively rely on one another to meet their emotional, psychological, or self-esteem needs, often at the expense of their own well-being.

It’s a simple difference: one is a healthy trait, and the other is severely problematic if you want to live on planet earth and have a relationship.

Welcome to “From Missteps to Twelve Steps,” a blog that will inform you, entertain you, mystify you, gratify you, leave you scratching your head and most likely leave you with this thought: why would I listen to this guy ramble on about the life of a recovering codependent? Well, it’s simple. If you don’t read this blog my insecurities will kick in, the feeling of not being good enough will rear its ugly head. I want your approval. I will do anything to get you to like me—even rewrite this blog to fit your needs and disregard my own. In other words, I will be the best damn codependent you ever met. Or is it the worst codependent you have ever met? Oh crap, there goes my imposter syndrome. I will be found out that I can’t write—even though I have been a writer for over 40 years.

I invite you to share with me a healing journey that will be worth your time. As they say in 12-step programs, “Take what you want, and leave the rest.”

Wow, two years in my CoDA 12-step program. In some ways it feels longer, yet when I do my inventory, I have done a life’s worth of growth in 24 months. I tell people I have grown more in the last two years than in the previous 54. (Ok, you do the math: I am 40.) As a 56-year-old man, I have been confronted with my work issues. Yes, they are issues, have been issues and will always be my work issues if I do nothing about it.

As of today, and through my program of healing, I am breaking the cycle that has caused me so much pain, hardship, frustration, self-doubt, and utter misery, and in some ways two failed marriages. You see, I blamed everyone for making me feel trapped in the cubicle prison of corporate America for almost two decades. The shackles, or golden handcuffs as they are called, kept me tethered to a life of victimhood that saw me resent my first wife for not making enough and resenting her for living a life of freedom I didn’t have because I had to be the bread winner. Bullshit. I had a choice. Through my healing work the last two years, I have realized they, meaning wives, friends, family, had nothing to do with my path. They were my scapegoats. If I had looked in the mirror, I would have seen a scared little angry kid who wanted to take his ball home and throw it out the window. I was angry at everyone. But I was angry at myself. Resenting the past. Being pissed at my present. And feeling trapped by my future. Well, those were all stories I was telling myself.

I have learned lately that I am my biographer. I am the writer of my own story. I have the answers, and I need to stop looking out there for them. They come from within. I have ownership. I have the keys. And get this: If I make my decision, and it’s the wrong decision, I get to own it. I can’t blame someone else. I can’t look in the mirror and see them. I don’t need advice from others. I need advice from my higher power (I like to call God) and then me. I am not in control of much in this life. Nothing. The more I try to control the more things get out of control.

Today, I am graced with possibly losing my job in two months. It’s a job I hate, have hated, and will always hate. I have been inauthentic long enough. It’s time to write the next chapter of my life and not let others dictate it to me. When I found out I had a minimum of two months left in my sentence at this corporate juggernaut, I felt this strange feeling. I call it “nauseous excitement.” Nauseous because I could lose my income. I have one son in college and one in fourth grade. I have a house, car, and bills. Holy shit, I am going to be homeless. Excited because now I can be alive for the first time in my life. I have the chance to rewrite my story. You know, create a narrative worth reading. I will not go back to corporate life. It’s a death sentence for me. No joke. As my mentor and best friend said to me, “God does what we can’t do for ourselves.” Yes, this loss of job will be a blessing in disguise. It’s the opportunity to do what I was meant to do. And that is to help people. Help animals. Go after my dreams. Don’t hold back. Be creative. I say to myself, “It’s time to bet on yourself.” As a codependent, I realize I will be dealing with this infliction, disease, condition, the rest of my life. But along with my God, my program, and my friends and family, I will survive. Wait, better yet, I will live. I might not have a job in two months, but I do have hope for the future me. In the meantime, does anyone have a job for me?